TODAY.

Life comes back in a circle.

I am listening to Justin Hurwitz, the most unlikely OST you would expect me to listen to because I hated that movie La La Land. But every single song now was a reminder of that 2 hours with you in the cinema. That moment you told me I never knew how to appreciate you. I regretted not learning how to appreciate you. You were right,  I don't know how to love, I don't know how to appreciate you or anyone around me. Thats why I left. I loathed myself. I feel trapped in this emotional ride which I don't understand.

For some reason I revisited this page.
The last blogpost was when I needed to find and love myself after a break up with someone who loved me a lot too. I guess I never did. You gave me a second chance to love again. I never learned.
I have blocked everything I could about myself from you and of you from myself.
Out of sight, out of mind, a practice I thought would work. I hope it will.

For some reason I typed in the website of the venture you have been planning for.
Your website is now live and you will soon launch your dream. I am ecstatic that you will.
I thought of every moment when you were testing the various samples for the past few months.
My impatience blinded the effort that you have been putting into. I was trying to make you me.

For some reason I wanted to leave this country. Right now.
The desire to do so is so great, I am cleaning up everything fervently so I can pack up and go.
I remember you mentioned LDR is not something you wanted to do anymore.
My fear of being in the same place for the rest of my life might have been one of the reasons.

Whatever I say now to you, is only to the thin air.

Might be I hope you will read this one day. Might be you will forever be angry at me and never wanted to even search for me.  Might be you understood why I left, might be in future you would clearly see why.  I am not trying to be the hero maybe this is yet another way of closure to let go of you.

Sometimes the person who chose to leave could be the person who had too much pain,
that they couldn't tell you and the only way to not spilled the pain is to leave. You knew it was dark it was horrible it was a nightmare, I lost my senses I wasn't myself I destroy everything physically and mentally and it was over a year's effort and decision, we took this long to try to talk about it, work on it, you did as much as you can to help me. Yet, it drove me to a point of self hate I wanted to leave.
The last 6 months of anger and stress and all the darkest thoughts, you had to take it.

I couldn't stay, staying means depriving you of your dreams because I can't be in it.
I couldn't stay, staying means forcing you to grow up faster than you needed to,
I couldn't stay, staying means you wouldn't know what it is like to be completely free of me treating you unequally.
I couldn't stay, I don't even love myself, I will destroy you.

I am in pain, in a lot of pain.

To give up your love is a decision I would have to live with now.
You will be great, like that guy who told you about your destiny and someday I will hear of you and maybe then I hope I have at least learned to look into the mirror and not wanting to kill that person.
I love you and I will never forget you. Thank you for loving me.

i want the best for you.
wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

i couldn't say anything more and i couldn't change anything.
all i can do now, is to wish the best for you, truly and deeply.

i learnt so much about myself through you.
i am confused with my life and what i want
and that is why i end up hurting people and you
i am very angry at myself, and i want to overcome it.

as for you, please live your life well.
because in a few decades, we will all leave this world too.

until that time, live fully and completely with love,
i do wish to meet you in my next life all over again
and that time, i hope i will make the right decision.

LIKED!

the watch maker

Aku akan sentiasa disampingmu,
Setelah kau serahkan semua memori lalu,
Apabila kau lepaskan memori paling bermakna buatmu
Ku genggam erat tanganmu, kita cipta memori baru

~ anonymous

saw this in KLCC long time ago ...
on a beautiful watch ad... 

Book Clock

following the house library post below. 

this is something i would love to have in between books!

a book clock, its non intrusive and also serves its purpose! 

fantastic idea! can buy from Amazon hehe http://amzn.to/W87cFg

bookroom

one of my dream room

would comprise of a spacious study/leisure room

with books all the way to the rooftop!

NYE is when i'm reminded to hate you to the core

new year's eve

i was and still am very sad because of various happenings and i could not do anything about, so right now i could only accept it and deal with it. this makes NYE the least exciting and the least day i look forward to celebrate right now. i am looking at a work presentation, trying to work out an idea that make sense and where do i start? i look back on the positive times and people who you've helped and said thank you to regain optimism but i still feel so much meanness and evil in me, the amount of hate oozing out right now.

shuttling thoughts in 2012, it had been quite a challenging year with many shit happening and im not the nicest person either to be adding the people i hate into the list of people being block. when there is a time you stand up for something, i have wished so much i dont have to stand up and hate someone, and today, even more so it reminded me the pain of people who betrayed you and people you betrayed, all you can do is swallow your pride and decisions and accept what is happening right now. even if it means u delete every single thing and have nothing to want to be associated with them, they still bug the hell out of you and they are people you honestly, BE HONEST to yourself, that you dont want them to have anything good happen to them, its so mean, i dont even know why i have so much hatred, i just want to go back to the nice me. this is horrible to harbor so much hate.

sometimes the past was so beautiful before and yet the path i chose now is not as beautiful as before, will i be able to believe something good will happen with this path i chose, when everyone around you move on with their life so quick and happy leaving you behind, you wonder, what the hell went wrong, you did all you can to keep things right, and then you realize... you're dealing with humans which means your trust in them can be broken can be changed can be compromise because they too would go for something better in their life, and unfortunately that is not you.

this is fucking painful and disappointing. i can do better than this situation, i can do way better than those who had lied to be my friends and pull me down in the time when they need me, get up and stomped me back into the ground before they walk away to something better. i can do better than them i know it and i can always beat them in their own game after falling down, so first, i must let them go and accept that they are jerks, bitches and people who only takes advantage of people until they fully utilize them before throwing them away like thrash. i have seen them done that to others, and yet i let that happen to me, and it is true, my instinct is always right, it has proven itself right so many times, these people, i wish that evil befalls them despite that karma may come back and bite me, i want to see them fall and fail in life and in their relationship and they must experience triple times the pain im experiencing right now. i hate them. nothing good will come out of them, they are rotten in this society and yet in the eyes of their family and friends, they are saints and angels, i hope one day the truth will reveal the devilish demons in them and make them burn in hell. i am super angry. i want to write down all the evil thoughts and things that should happen to them. it will happen and i will not blink an eye to see them fall into that fire that will sear their skin and their core with no help at all. 

i regret that i meet only people like this so much later in my life, i was so naive before, so how am i going to trust anyone at all? how am i going to trust anyone who will not hurt me at the end of the road? maybe i have to treat everyone with distrusts, cos honestly no one, no one in this world is ever meant to be kind to you, they are not obligated to, and especially cos each and everyone of us, is one selfish bastard.

secret santa

[this is a pic of a secret santa gift exchange at my ex-company]

and it makes me miss the secret santa gift exchange with JIMUISSS.

that was one of those rare occasion for gathering and buying gifts

for friends who matters to you and a night of girly chats!

with a little gift, in hopes that it will be a good start to a good year ahead.

would it be too late to make a suggestion... i wonder...?

the end is also a start

after 5 years, it is probably another tough decision to make,

because it has been some of the best years in my life,

to be learning, contributing and growing with the company,

and now it is indeed graduation time, one that is sad and yet happy.

armed with what i know, i am ready to spread my wings further

thank you so much to everyone who i have had the pleasure to work with.

TSA will always have a special place in my heart. mwahs! 

a strange siem reap calling...

it was very strange, i was doing research for my work on TV channels in IndoChina. i came across a blog in cambodia talking about TV subscriptions and that page links to another page of a beautiful and simple guesthouse in siem reap....

what comes after was a very very strange feeling...

i feel like i need to go back to siem reap again...

i feel like there is something that is not fulfilled...

i seriously dont know why but it is a very nagging feeling telling me to go soon...

could it be the wish that scott made was about to come true...?

the wishing echo chamber... so far the wishes has come true... i wonder will these wishes come true again?

it is an amazing feeling, knowing the wishes that your heart most desired could possibly come true.

but its very very strange, and i almost had to resist the urge to book a ticket to fly there...

i guess, Cambodia will always have a special place in my heart.... 

when the BIRDS are screaming outside your window

every morning, my dad will religiously stand at the balcony to feed the pigeons and birds with grains that he purchased from the local market every other sunday. they are a very happy bunch for sure, well fed and chubby.

some mornings, i even catch my dad "greeting" the birds, it could be a "hello!" or just a "hungry??" in mandarin like a dad to a child who wants candy, and the even more surprising thing is, the birds can recognize him, its freaky but every time he steps onto the balcony they would all flock up to the roof or ledge to be fed. sometimes when i step out there, they may fly up too but eventually they recognized that im NOT the feeder, so less of them flock up when they see me. very smart birds. haha.

and yes it amazes me what craziness runs in my family. but im happy we are quirky that way.

so it wasn't at all STRANGE to me one day when my dad left to work in the morning and the house was really peaceful with birds chirping as usual. until my dad came home in the afternoon.

just after my dad came back and showered, i was standing near the window doing my stuff, and suddenly CRAZY bunch of birds were CHIRPING, no...SCREAMING off their heads, i find it really funny and didnt look out of the window and laugh at my dad "the birds now even knew when you reach home??????" crazeeee! "but why are they so loud and excited??? super hungry??"

my dad said "they are building a nest on the rooftop, maybe they have guests come over to visit"

obviously i laugh some more!

a few days later, mom smelled a really funky smell from the window, so she looked out of the window, and OMG....

she saw a DEAD BIRD. his beautiful little head STUCK to the corner of the roof. OMG. Did these birds just murdered their friend??? wait wait wait, I dont think that happened, but i think when the bird was trying to build his nest, his head got stuck into the corner and the other birds were trying to SAVE HIM by SCREAMING at us!!! CRAZEEE!!

OMG, it was a real tragedy to see him dead and he is a beautiful little dark blue/black bird. We had to poke his head out of the roof and roll him to drop 3 storeys down from the rooftop. omg.

But somewhere out there, a lucky cat will be very happy to be able to feast on this poor little bird.

one time a day

this would be an important post to me personally, i realize i have lost track of what i did in one day that could make a difference in someone's life.

i hope it would be quite easy to lay down in bed after the end of day and focus on things that makes us human, and by becoming aware of these things, hopefully the good would be more than the bad or i can improve on the bad thoughts or deeds and i would be a better/balance person...

Recall: one significant good/nice/kind  thing or thoughts or deeds that i did today for others that made things better for them

Recall: one significant bad/evil/shit thing or thoughts or deeds that i did today to others which i should apologize for and never do it again (if possible)

well the thought struck me on Sunday after JLO's concert at Stadium Merdeka as I was taking the train home, so i reflected on the day...

i help a tiny kid carry his luggage when he arrived at his station with his family because the luggage was almost taller than him! his parents said thank you, i said you're welcome

i was not patient at all heading to the JLO's concert as i was walking super fast while my friend mary was left behind, i felt really bad and i think i was really selfish to only focus on getting to the gates and nearly lost my friend.

on Monday,
i spoke to a group of fellow interviewees who are also being interviewed for a special program slot to go to japan next year, i dont think i did any immediate kind thing, but i have good thoughts about them, they are all superb in their fields, and even if they dnt make it there or i dont make it there, i really respect them for trying and be so good at their field too, in fact, i listened... i think that was a good improvement...

i was very impatient at the check in line at LCCT, the Vietnamese family in front of me was being demanding despite their luggage being in excess and still demanding the staff to be nice to them, and i think i got really annoyed with the fact that they are a really rich family (well from the way they look and the overweight stuff they bought) i had really like shit thoughts about them missing their flights, losing their baggage and had to pay for everything, it was a horrible thought, i should not even do that in the first place!

a book in the toilet

this could be a pretty gross write up.

but definitely useful for people who find that there are now LESS time to read a BOOk because we are so connected to our phone that we are reading through our phones anyway but because we're reading through phones, how much are we really concentrating cos we're also busy replying whatsapp msgs too?

so there is a growing pile of books which are only halfway done in my room, i thought the best way of finishing them would actually to put them in the toilet AND not taking my phone with me when i go to toilet. and WOW.....

i actually finish one whole book over the course of 1 week of toilet time! RESULT! 

it's a simple book no less, with lots of dialogues unfolding to lead you to the end of the book so i guess its an average speed time. i was pretty impress with the result so i have started a second book in the toilet, well, i pick one that is NOT EXCITING when i first read it, and one that i read half way 10 years ago.

Within 1 week I have thumb through 100 pages of heavy words, I remember it cos i made it a point to record the amount of pages over the course of 1 week, and back then it doesnt sound exciting but now it was like a really good read, how things have change! I am quite please with the result.

there is no such thing of leaving the book and not remembering the details, even though it wasnt an everyday affair to just read in the toilet (cos sometimes i was late and rushing to go out) i still manage to do that say for 15mins on average and easily stop at a page or chapter and pick up later. i am super please with the result.

you should try it sometime!

making a mistake

sometimes when you make a decision at one point in time, it was the right decision at THAT time, and gradually time has change and that decision now becomes a mistake and it comes back to haunt you.

why do i always make decisions like this? there are good decisions and bad decisions, but why does the bad decisions haunts me so much? and the worst part is, when you are making that decision it is not suppose to turn out to be bad at all.

i think it has become a tradition, that i will have to experience one big screw up per year, i feel like i owe everyone an apology for my decisions. i really do not like this feeling at all. sigh. work. 

the Calvin Harris coincidence

things have been shockingly... ultra shocking.

my true story.

sometimes when many signs happened and you feel that its linked but you just don't know what and just BEFORE it materialize into a comprehensible coincidence, you don't really give it much thought. And if its a feel good sign you definitely accept it and not worry about it and finally something came along and it all kinda make sense to you that the signs that you have been experiencing earlier make sense at this point.

Just like Symborza's poem "Every beginning is but a continuation, and the book of events is never more than half open." Obviously coincidences never stop, whatever we experienced now will always shape the next step we take and I wish I can find a way to describe this amazing feeling of finally piecing the coincidence together

one of the most beautiful things in life are things unplanned and most probably not your comfort zone either, which is so unlike me cos i MUST PLAN! one day, a dear friend called me up for a super last minute scuba diving trip to Padang, Indonesia. That was very sweet of her knowing what I have been trying to do to get over all these stupid relationship and work mess. Obviously I have no clue what im signing up myself for, i just knew i want to get out of this city and work and people for that solitary. I think i am ready to piece myself together again and find ways to discover what makes me feel good about being myself again. And so I booked the tickets 3 days before departure despite the travel agents refusal to let me on the trip.

2 days before the departure, I have the car all to myself, while driving Calvin Harris (ft David Guetta) "Feel So Close" was playing on the radio and that was (1) morning heading to office, by lunchtime i was certainly very upset and decided to treat myself with a good lunch and wax session and head to Bangsar, (2) song came on as i drove out of the carpark, and once i've treated myself with the most painful wax experience again, and (3) heading back to the office, it started playing again, at that point i was already going "whoa..." this is freakish. (4) and the fourth time the song played at  the end of the day, I was seriously all creeped out...in a very good way because its such a feel good song!

The day of departure, again it was very unlike to almost missed my flight! Why? because of the all night partying, literally rush from Changkat to LCCT,  sprint to the customer service counter because the the check in counter was closed, thanks to one of the staff who helped print the boarding pass instead of denying entry, and I barely made it on board, other friends who were suppose to be on the same flight were there earlier but they missed the flight! Weird but true and I don't even have my phone with me, thinking I've probably lost it, I feel nothing. There is no one in this world that I needed to contact nor have them contact me, apart from the obligatory text to parents, my phone is suddenly, useless to me, honestly there is no one in my life that I needed other than myself. That was another weird feeling...

I was exhausted still upon reaching Padang looking like a surfers paradise judging from the surfboards, by the time I reach the guesthouse, I was exhausted but I was kinda happy because apparently I was the only guest, yay!!!! Well my friends will arrive tomorrow but the first day I have my me time all to myself!!! Me time is so important. Sometimes I think I am socially inept to keep up a normal conversation.

The owner of the guesthouse Bob, and also another dive instructor, Chris, came and talked to me, I noted Chris immediately cos I remember we were on the same flight from his RedBull cap, very nice. They sorted me out cos I do not have any plans anyway and went surfing with Chris. Surfing, for the first time, that's a really really big deal, another first. And I think I might just like it enough to sign up for a proper course and it reminded me of Scott who took his first surfing trip in Bali too, i guess little things like these will still remind me of my past once in a while.

Now, the point of the coincidence is, I needed music since I lost my phone, I have none. I was talking to Chris and asked if he has any, he has this tablet thingy with music stored and he said of course! After some scrolling he decided to play..... that Calvin Harris song. no F joke. I mean, you cannot ignore this coincidence anymore. Yes its a hit song everywhere but the point that someone actually played that tune first off the list so it was definitely a whoa, freaky moment. I definitely feel comfortable around Chris just cos he is blunt and frank to put it simply, doesn't sugar coat things and may sometimes shock you with his remarks, yet I still don't feel comfortable enough to be my complete self around him, but somehow it helps me when random strangers talk to me because I just don't really know the state I am in either so their vibe helps to seek out what you feel about yourself too. I told him how many times I heard this song that one day and that it's just weird that he would pick this too, and that song was answered my questions about the signs.

Anyway that's not even the weirdest part, we all went separate ways after arriving in LCCT, friends took taxi, Chris the kwai lo obviously had to deal with long immigration queue, we all said our byes and hugs etc, now the timing was just too weird, I did something I usually don't do, one because I lost my phone, I called the office with a public phone to check with my colleague who apparently found it, after that I bought a booster juice to fill up my hunger instead of McDonalds, while walking to the buses I lost my AirAsia bus tickets so screw that. I decided to get onto the first bus that is departing and pick the front seat as usual and start my Japanese language revision again for the exam that evening. It was a freaking long wait, bunch of liars! But as I was reading I was also reliving the memories of the short holiday trip, nothing very significant overall about the trip but somehow very significant to me because I feel some kind of unknown joy when I have space to myself in a completely new place where no one really knows me and I can be myself. 

The next thing you know, like, the NEXT thing you know, after a long time of the bus not moving, Chris came up to the bus and sat right down beside me, yeap, same bus, I think he was as shocked as I was, when he saw me the same time when I saw him, okay maybe not the word shock, but it was just, come on, there are soooo many buses lined up and it could be any bus and they depart almost 5 to 10mins apart from each other and what are the odds???? So thank god for him, there's music again, and it was sweet of him to put Calvin Harris on again (i'm still not tired of it!), its like the "our song" thing, haha, that was really funny and then we talked, I really made the effort to try to say what's on my mind, and I truly truly struggle, but he got the point anyway, and saved me from embarrassing myself many times, and suggested maybe email could work for me if I wanted to talk instead. He definitely got that right.

Something about his past and my past, made the conversation slightly easier but not entirely for me to be myself, I maybe 30% there to be able to even consider talking about it, honestly, I am still very afraid to open up to people about what has happened and how I am still not able to cope and I go into the "shutdown" mode. It was too short a ride to find that courage to say what's on my mind to him because apart from knowing friends, I think this is the first step I need to is letting people to know, "this is who i am" kinda deal, and I want to start to trust in strangers and be myself instead of locking it up inside and forever pretend that the past never happened. I really am going to try and in this scenario, Chris, to talk about it with him, I feel awkward I will holdback from talking again because of the fear of when people know too much about you, you're being judge, or maybe I could choose not to talk about it at all, I don't know, I still struggle, sigh.

The point is, there are some things that happened in our lives and I think that this coincidence is a good way to trigger us into believing that there is a good possibility when you start believing in coincidence. And I think having that Calvin Harris song linked me to someone random like Chris does help, the next step, whatever it will be... it will just be. 

I went back to work the next day, now this is freaky even more similarities and coincidence from here, Steve Aoki's Pursuit of Happiness remix was on my playlist all last week, and I even blogged this poster which you will see below before leaving for Padang "quit your job, buy a ticket, get a tan, fall in love, never return".

Why? Chris and I added each other on facebook and both these were on Chris's wall too just before Padang. I mean, it has been a little bit tad too coincidence that random people around the world like him also shared almost the same thing you shared the same time you are. The timing is just too eerily close.

I think its a good indication that things are really coming together and even when friends are not around for me, random strangers could also be someone you could trust and a chance to understand that it is okay to be yourself because people you meet on trips or anywhere do come and go, you may never see them again but they do appear at that point in your life to tell you that everything will be alright.

what creeps me out

when people are really nice to you,
when they previously weren't really nice...

something is wrong in this big picture,
i can't seem to point out the flaws but its there,
maybe the imperfections is what make the picture real,
that people are always protecting their self interest,
i do too, but, when someone is nice to you out of the blue,
gawd, i am totally creep-ed out. i hope things go back to normal soon.

a looming deadline

that's what happens when you fill up your weekdays with classes
AND weekends with extra work!

i couldn't be there for a friend when she needed a friend,
(but thank god for other friends!)

i couldn't complete an assignment on time,
(and no one to help me but myself, darn!)

i had to choose between 3 activities all on the same date (dammit!)

honestly, between diving, rock climbing, abseiling,
a quick Singapore trip, i really want to do all of it!

i couldn't believe what i've gotten myself into...

all these activities, adventures, just to kill all the time i have,

so that i can just stop STOP STOP STOP

thinking about you, wondering about you, guessing about you!

it seems that even if i filled up my hours
right from 8am to 10pm and until i go to bed,

you would still manage to slip into my mind in between those breaks,

when driving, at the pantry, waiting for taxi,
sitting in the train, walking in the mall, talking to someone,

my mind even wanders off halfway through
my intense class and its all memories from the past,

i must and i just want to shut you out of my life
because it is going to break me,

you are going to break me,
 no matter which way i see this, you are going to hurt me.

these stress are starting to bog me down,
now i escape to this space just to vent,

its like wanting someone to understand me and hold me
and yet refusing anyone into my world and keep up the pretence,

because its really none of their business to care about me
and yet i crave understanding from people who are sincere,

1 minute, i am completely fine alone, and suddenly,
1 minute, i feel like i lost all my bearings when i think of you,

how the hell can this happen when you have done nothing to me...???

whatever, i better get back to work again.
argh, i need inspiration to complete it!!!F. 

i believe this could just be my imagination about you
and i just want to shut you off completely, COMPLETELY.

because in the end someone is going to get hurt,
and being the one who cares about you more,
the one getting hurt will always be me, always.

Padang, Indonesia

next stop,

Diving @ Padang, Indonesia.

i don't think JJ would be very please 

if he saw this before he approves my leave

at this point, this poster sounds surreal to me,
even if i've actually met people who have lived the above exact words,
i still find it simply amazing and it cautioned me
because i think i have lost the ability to dream,
not just dreaming big, but any dream beyond rationality!
people around me seemed so caught up with reality,
and that dreams to many seems fruitless or even nonsense,
sometimes i wonder if i even belong in this reality,
i don't feel like myself at all. i must do something about it.

i am in love with...

I Like Minimalism

just like a budding love that blossom,
this beautiful site caught my eye, i thought it looked quite attractive,
so i took the first step to get closer to it, testing my waters,
i had my reservations about it at first too, why?
because i have had quite a few disappointed experiences...

after the initial first few glances, it kept me interested
mystery and beauty in one, i am very intrigued,
even though i know it is out of my league,
i also thought, maybe this could be the one,
and so i spend a little more to get to know it better,
i browse a little bit more, enjoyed a little bit more,
and its selection is quite delightful which kept me interested,

i took the next step to commit to it, a small step,
but one that changed my attitude towards it,
i subscribe to the daily newsletter, gingerly,
because i dislike annoying newsletter that serves no purpose to me,
at first it comes in fast and furious and seemed to be too much information,
and it has been almost a month now and i am starting to get use to it,
the inspiration that comes through, inspires me, opens up a world,
i love the fact that i can feel a little bit rush of love again,
even if it is just a website, at least, passion is what can keep one going,
and im glad i can reignite that passion in something again, i love being in love!

storytime

he feeds you when you're hungry...
he puts you to bed, cleans up the bathroom floor from your vomit,
and still lies down next to you...

that was a memory from the past... sigh..anyway i just realize its Friday the 13th. haha, how superstitious... !!!

this quiet time to think makes me want to write more and more, i really wonder how can you really be yourself when everyone you meet is a complete stranger? what do you reveal and what do you hide? why do you even choose to reveal and more importantly why do you want to hide? this has always been a connundrum and i wonder when will i really be able to find myself when i keep searching and wanting more out of life, uncovering the cards, deciding fate as days goes by... i wonder ... !