NYE is when i'm reminded to hate you to the core

new year's eve

i was and still am very sad because of various happenings and i could not do anything about, so right now i could only accept it and deal with it. this makes NYE the least exciting and the least day i look forward to celebrate right now. i am looking at a work presentation, trying to work out an idea that make sense and where do i start? i look back on the positive times and people who you've helped and said thank you to regain optimism but i still feel so much meanness and evil in me, the amount of hate oozing out right now.

shuttling thoughts in 2012, it had been quite a challenging year with many shit happening and im not the nicest person either to be adding the people i hate into the list of people being block. when there is a time you stand up for something, i have wished so much i dont have to stand up and hate someone, and today, even more so it reminded me the pain of people who betrayed you and people you betrayed, all you can do is swallow your pride and decisions and accept what is happening right now. even if it means u delete every single thing and have nothing to want to be associated with them, they still bug the hell out of you and they are people you honestly, BE HONEST to yourself, that you dont want them to have anything good happen to them, its so mean, i dont even know why i have so much hatred, i just want to go back to the nice me. this is horrible to harbor so much hate.

sometimes the past was so beautiful before and yet the path i chose now is not as beautiful as before, will i be able to believe something good will happen with this path i chose, when everyone around you move on with their life so quick and happy leaving you behind, you wonder, what the hell went wrong, you did all you can to keep things right, and then you realize... you're dealing with humans which means your trust in them can be broken can be changed can be compromise because they too would go for something better in their life, and unfortunately that is not you.

this is fucking painful and disappointing. i can do better than this situation, i can do way better than those who had lied to be my friends and pull me down in the time when they need me, get up and stomped me back into the ground before they walk away to something better. i can do better than them i know it and i can always beat them in their own game after falling down, so first, i must let them go and accept that they are jerks, bitches and people who only takes advantage of people until they fully utilize them before throwing them away like thrash. i have seen them done that to others, and yet i let that happen to me, and it is true, my instinct is always right, it has proven itself right so many times, these people, i wish that evil befalls them despite that karma may come back and bite me, i want to see them fall and fail in life and in their relationship and they must experience triple times the pain im experiencing right now. i hate them. nothing good will come out of them, they are rotten in this society and yet in the eyes of their family and friends, they are saints and angels, i hope one day the truth will reveal the devilish demons in them and make them burn in hell. i am super angry. i want to write down all the evil thoughts and things that should happen to them. it will happen and i will not blink an eye to see them fall into that fire that will sear their skin and their core with no help at all. 

i regret that i meet only people like this so much later in my life, i was so naive before, so how am i going to trust anyone at all? how am i going to trust anyone who will not hurt me at the end of the road? maybe i have to treat everyone with distrusts, cos honestly no one, no one in this world is ever meant to be kind to you, they are not obligated to, and especially cos each and everyone of us, is one selfish bastard.