TODAY.

Life comes back in a circle.

I am listening to Justin Hurwitz, the most unlikely OST you would expect me to listen to because I hated that movie La La Land. But every single song now was a reminder of that 2 hours with you in the cinema. That moment you told me I never knew how to appreciate you. I regretted not learning how to appreciate you. You were right,  I don't know how to love, I don't know how to appreciate you or anyone around me. Thats why I left. I loathed myself. I feel trapped in this emotional ride which I don't understand.

For some reason I revisited this page.
The last blogpost was when I needed to find and love myself after a break up with someone who loved me a lot too. I guess I never did. You gave me a second chance to love again. I never learned.
I have blocked everything I could about myself from you and of you from myself.
Out of sight, out of mind, a practice I thought would work. I hope it will.

For some reason I typed in the website of the venture you have been planning for.
Your website is now live and you will soon launch your dream. I am ecstatic that you will.
I thought of every moment when you were testing the various samples for the past few months.
My impatience blinded the effort that you have been putting into. I was trying to make you me.

For some reason I wanted to leave this country. Right now.
The desire to do so is so great, I am cleaning up everything fervently so I can pack up and go.
I remember you mentioned LDR is not something you wanted to do anymore.
My fear of being in the same place for the rest of my life might have been one of the reasons.

Whatever I say now to you, is only to the thin air.

Might be I hope you will read this one day. Might be you will forever be angry at me and never wanted to even search for me.  Might be you understood why I left, might be in future you would clearly see why.  I am not trying to be the hero maybe this is yet another way of closure to let go of you.

Sometimes the person who chose to leave could be the person who had too much pain,
that they couldn't tell you and the only way to not spilled the pain is to leave. You knew it was dark it was horrible it was a nightmare, I lost my senses I wasn't myself I destroy everything physically and mentally and it was over a year's effort and decision, we took this long to try to talk about it, work on it, you did as much as you can to help me. Yet, it drove me to a point of self hate I wanted to leave.
The last 6 months of anger and stress and all the darkest thoughts, you had to take it.

I couldn't stay, staying means depriving you of your dreams because I can't be in it.
I couldn't stay, staying means forcing you to grow up faster than you needed to,
I couldn't stay, staying means you wouldn't know what it is like to be completely free of me treating you unequally.
I couldn't stay, I don't even love myself, I will destroy you.

I am in pain, in a lot of pain.

To give up your love is a decision I would have to live with now.
You will be great, like that guy who told you about your destiny and someday I will hear of you and maybe then I hope I have at least learned to look into the mirror and not wanting to kill that person.
I love you and I will never forget you. Thank you for loving me.

i want the best for you.
wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

i couldn't say anything more and i couldn't change anything.
all i can do now, is to wish the best for you, truly and deeply.

i learnt so much about myself through you.
i am confused with my life and what i want
and that is why i end up hurting people and you
i am very angry at myself, and i want to overcome it.

as for you, please live your life well.
because in a few decades, we will all leave this world too.

until that time, live fully and completely with love,
i do wish to meet you in my next life all over again
and that time, i hope i will make the right decision.

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